


All the times the Doctor feels alone

by torspringe



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Companions, Eleventh Doctor Era, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:12:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torspringe/pseuds/torspringe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are times the Doctor feels alone. There are many many times.</p><p>The Doctor is alone in his TARDIS, thinking of past days and past companions. Takes place shortly after <i>The Angels Take Manhattan</i> and <i>The Snow Men</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the times the Doctor feels alone

_ “It’s Amy Pond…it’s the Doctor’s Great Love.  _

_ At least for my Doctor." _

\- Matt Smith

There are times the Doctor feels alone. There are many many times. He feels alone because of all the people he’s lost, the things he’d wanted to do and never did with all those wonderful human beings who have travelled with him. Some for a short time and some for years, some for days and some for a lifetime of his, almost, as if life now is strange without them, without their faces and questions and their solely existence, all the precious time they offered to him.

He misses those ones more than the others, just because every face his faces have seen are worth a trillion of his time, since he has so much to live with. 

Those faces will stay with him forever, especially there is one, one beautiful face. He’s in his eleventh regeneration now, so he feels the things he’s done, the places he’s been and the people he’s met in this body with bigger intensity that the ones in his past selves. His eleventh him has so much inside him, and a face he’ll never forget. The face of Amelia Pond, name like in a fairytale, hair so red and eyes so deep. And eyes so gentle, eyes so passionate and joyfully, eyes so alive.

His Amelia, Scottish little girl not afraid of a “man” who’d fell from the sky in a blue box in the middle of her garden. His Amy, his splendid, splendid Amy. Amy so special and warm, Amy so brilliant in a way he’d never known. Glorious Amy whose life had been written in ink since he’d popped in a night and continued to stay in her for the twelve years of absence and seemly, she’s done it to him too. She’s shaped him – at least his eleventh self – by being the first face the face he has now saw, the very first. She’s seared onto his hearts and always will be.

"Don’t be alone," she had said to him and he’s not, Clara is travelling with him now and he’s fond of her, he likes her, the impossible girl. But she’s not Amy. 

Apparently there’s a bit of selfishness in him, that’s new, it doesn’t make him know how to react to it. It’s not right feeling this way, he knows he has to learn to let her go, he should’ve done it already by now but he just can’t. Funny, how his eleventh self acts towards grief, the pain is familiar but this is not. This is something like mourning, a long mourning that not even Victorian London has been able to stand the comparison. Though, he never got there to feel better, on the contrary he went there to be free to swallow in pain. It seems his new self needs this to cope.

He continues to think of his current regeneration as new but he’s most certainly not young anymore. He should feel older and he actually does, older everyday a bit more, older and older since the Ponds are with him no longer.

Their presence – Amy’s presence above all – kept him young, younger than he really was because he was at his current younger self when he met them, when he met Amy. She was able to make him feel childish and stupid because he was in fact like that when he was with her, now she’s gone and she’s taken his youth with her.

There are times the Doctor feels alone and without his Amy, Eleven’s not Eleven. He’s close to a new regeneration now, he can feel it, he wonders if he’ll still feel the way he feels now for Amy. Perhaps, in his new self there will not be enough space for his Pond, surely not in the way Eleven did. He’s a bit afraid of that. He thinks that maybe it’s for the best though, letting go all that hurts him so much. He always smiles a sad smile thinking about Amy and when he does he thinks that actually he wants to keep those memories even if they hurt him and the fear comes back and he doesn’t know what to do. It was always Amy who distracted him from bad thoughts, when he let her know what they were.

He has forced himself to try and focus on the bad memories, all the things went wrong and the promises he shouldn’t have made, how those things had hurt her. He does so to makes him face his need to sets free from her. He has to try hard though ‘cause every time he does his memories keep turning into happy ones, their happiest ones and her voice echoes in his mind, vibrating and true, telling him she thought it was all worth it. She was always saying it, his selfish mind tells him, she was always happy with you, everything was worth for her as long as she could be with you. _She loved you_. So his mind is truly selfish. Old silly Doctor, chasing ghosts like it was his job.

He’s doomed that way, as he’s been made especially to loose the people he loved and keeps loving despite it all, keeps finding new ones never able to stop the pain. And one thinks he should have learned by now. That’s the Doctor’s ultimate faith, one of loss and loneliness. A mad man in a box, travelling in all time and space alone in a TARDIS.

There are times the Doctor feels alone. He does so because of all the ghosts he keeps close to him, one just a bit closer.

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably point out that I've written this fic before _The Day of the Doctor_ so it's possible that some little things may not be accorded with recent canon. Perhaps.


End file.
